NOTHING FOLLOWS
These are the last words you will ever see as a bar examinee... and though you don't think much of it then, you do now... and you can only pray that this is a statement of no consequence -- a non-prophetic lexical blunder that was never intended to articulate your fate.
How do you reconcile a duty with a dream? I'm just figuring this out right now... and it's no fun at all. As much as I hated the academic part of being in law school, sudden post-bar freedom [abandonment] is no fun. Is this life? Pay the bills, then die? Maybe. For some of us, maybe. But I'm still figuring this out.
No vacation for this one. There's just too much to do.
Thank you to everyone who gave their time, mind and muscle to support us during one of our darkest times. The bar exam is no joke. No freakin' way. But we were standing on the top of a giant's head... and this was probably enough to pass those eight tests.
Thank you to the Ateneo Law School BarOps. To my dearest friends in the AHRC, to my fellow bar examinees who served as my primary mutual support group, to my AHRC Batchmates who made their appearances and gestures of support. To my immediate family who was there throughout the whole ordeal, and my extended family who believed in what fortitude I had left to spare. To my bandmates and friends in the music business who gave me their own brand of sick but vital support. For all your prayers, financial and moral support, smiles, text messages, emails, hugs, kisses, taps on the shoulder, jokes, insights, wake-up calls, sleepless nights and all your generous sacrifices, thank you, everybody.
The bar exam is a spiritual and humbling experience. I thank God for it and for everyone who was part of my experience.
I love you all. Forget the damn lawyer's oath... I personally swear to every one of you that I will never abuse this power should I be deemed worthy of it.
See you all in the real world soon.
Dean CLV once said that being in law school is like going to your death. You have to allow your old self to die in the process so that a a new you can rise from the ashes (or something to that effect... exaggerations mine).
With one week of classes to go, I can't help notice that the final traces of the pre-resurrection ashes around me are being wisped away by even the slightest draft.
Five years ago, here stood a man who was ready to enter a lifetime commitment and be a father. That man became broken, bitter and angry because of the loss of those dreams. His jealousy and hatred resonated throughout his little universe but he never said a word. The worst part was that he was already in law school. His grades had suffered a blow he would never recover from as everything was a mess inside him... emotional cancer had struck and there seemed to be no way out of it... and as the demons seemed to take everything from him, he prayed that he would be removed from this cursed place forever... this was not to be...
The heavens opened a window... one that would allow the man to expand his universe slowly so that the cancer would be isolated in the old areas... and so he took it... to escape what he has become with a hope of becoming something totally different. That window was called the Ateneo Human Rights Center... and this would soon become part of the triangle that was his new universe. It was here where he learned that the only way to start becoming whole again was to expel all that negativity. He focused more on what he could do for other people to distract him from the crashing tides inside him. Fortunately, he was never alone in this task. He found kindred souls and fellow lost spirits in the trenches. It was the summer of 2004 and the curing process was terrible and slow... but it it did happen... and because of this, he was not only healed but transformed into something totally different. He would stay for four more years, loving the work and the people involved in it. This was the work that blessed him with a chance to take his first trip to the West and shrink the world in his mind. This also helped him to find the greatest friends he could ever ask for in his life... and a continuing source of people of that same quality and caliber.
And in the process another window opened: The man started writing music once more. After having abandoned a dream for almost eight years, he just picked up his guitar and wrote what he felt. This became the second part of his current universe: Music. On that same summer of 2004, a more experienced musician friend came to Manila and called the man up... said he wanted to hang out. The man obliged and the talk turned into a jamming session after the man told his musician-friend about some material he was working on. In a single evening, the veteran and the rookie were able to record two songs of amazing quality on a beat-up PC. The rest is history, the band Sundown Caffeine would be born a few months later at a psuedo-Mexican bar in his hometown of Cebu City and the music would go on to be not just a source of amusement, but a viable career path for the two (not so) young men.
So what's the third part of the triangle?
It's family. The past, the existing and the future. The beginning and end of all that we do and all that we work for. This is a point in time when such an elusive dream has to be cast aside, at least partially. You want your own family and your own home but you have to get there first... and though you keep repeating the words to yourself that "there's no rush"... you realize deep inside that you wont be in this waking world much longer and that your present family will probably outlive you by several years. Perhaps you've accepted that you end up dead without ever knowing that sensation. Perhaps living vicariously through your brothers and sisters will do the trick. In any case, this leg will have to be set aside...
I've been walking on two legs for years... why should it be a problem now?
A few days more and I will face my final recitation, my final classroom session, my final hours of detention in the necessary evil that is the formal education system.
CLV was right. My death is almost complete. Entering law school was perhaps the best mistake I ever made in my life. And if could talk to the me five years ago, I'd tell him to brave it out... because things are really going to be alright.
_____
And so it's time.
I walk out that door with no regrets... only honest mistakes.
And I will walk with two legs for now, if only to carry a steeled heart.
My death is almost complete.
