The Great Undeserved

Just got home from my usual urban immersion... and as usual it felt great and terrible at the same time.


Anyway, I finally got to check my phone and there I saw a message from a friend who has been long absent: "Why do I have the feeling that I don't deserve the person I'm with right now?"


Talk about "out of the blue"... but I indulged:


"We deserve nothing. The best you can do is try and be content with what you have."


Indeed, we deserve nothing. Not our jobs, our significant others, our friends, our families, our material graces or our skills.


I went through five years of law school to learn these ideas of justice, equity, fairness and proportionality... but in the end, you realize that all these are just ideas and ideals of such artificial value and character that an extra ounce of critical thinking only leaves us befuddled and trapped in the place where were before: helplessness.


Fairness is not a naturally occuring thing. We never get what we deserve. It's either too good for us or not good enough. Absolute equilibrium is mathematically and realistically impossible. And so, we as free agents try to bridge the gap. We try harder... we work for it so that somehow, we might approximate the propriety of the web of rewards and punishments that orbit our lives.


When we were young children, we were taught to "make things fit". I remember this old toy of mine which had differently-shaped blocks and a plastic tub that had the corresponding hole-shapes on it. The task was to make the triangular block fit into the triangular hole and so on... easy enough right? And so we have been conditioned to understand exactness... to conform to these shapes and sizes and characteristics so that all may be well... problem is, we later learn to apply these assumptions to people as well. 


Whenever we see this less-than-presentable dude rest his arm around this lovely lady, an alarm immediately goes off in our head saying "NO!!!"... and we often rationalize it by thinking "He must have some killer wheels" or "He must be dynamite in bed"... and it never occurs to us that this mismatch is the most natural thing of all. We always think that pretty people should be with pretty people and the ugly should stick with the ugly... and so the shapes-and-holes exercise works wonders...


Is it fair? No it is not. But so is the rest of the world. Fairness is an abstract idea that keeps us in line. The Universe has been playing this joke on us all our lives and we don't even bother to question it. We are sucked into romanticism and other forms of mind-control and we use them to cope with the harshest form of reality: life is unfair.


Sure, we love hearing writers and musicians say that "there's always someone out there for every single one of us"... wrong! That's just bullshit, my friends. And you know it. Some of us have had 4, 7, 9, or even 14 relationships in our lives and we don't even give it a second thought... millions of people have lived up to the age of 40 or even 60 without ever knowing the touch of another's hand. The truth is that some people have all the fun... Some people die alone.


We love to dream... we love to hope... but one thing's for certain... it's all unfair... and our ever-changing perception of what's fair isn't helping at all... and as we grow older, our minds start to compromise and we lower our standards more and more that we end up with nothing worth keeping.


So what's there to do about it?


If you want something, just take it. Don't wait for the world to give it to you because it's not gonna happen. It's going to be unfair in any given case, so just take it. If you take it, it's yours... if you don't do anything about it, then maybe you just don't want it enough. If it slips away, then tough luck. You just have to deal with it. 


That's all there is to it. Justice will not find you. You just have to make things happen.

Farmer Joey

This week was full of prouder moments... of being a human rights advocate and a part of the legal profession... of having friends who sacrifice and inspire... of being part of something beyond words, beyond life.


A few hours ago, I had an instructive encouter with a Sumilao farmer named Joey. I offered him a light and we started talking:


Joey: Diba ikaw 'tong kauban namo adtong isa ka adlaw sa San Carlos? Joey [offering me a handshake] (Aren't you the one who was with us the other day at San Carlos? Joey)


Mark: O. Mark [shaking his hand] (Yup. Mark.)


Mark: O, unsay nahitabo ganina? (So, what happened today?)


Joey: Wala mi pasudla sa Malacanang. (They didn't let us in Malacanang)


Mark: Mao ba? Wala man lay ning sugat sa inyo? (Really? Wasn't there anyone there to greet you?)


Joey: Wala lagi. (Nobody did.)


Mark: Yawa. Unya, unsay inyong gi buhat? (The devil. What did you do?)


Joey: Wala lang. Gahulat lang tawn mi didto. (Nothing. We just waited.)


Mark: Grabe sad ning inyong kalisud no? Wala pa gyuy ning buhat ani sukad. (This is some sacrifice you're making. Nobody's ever done this before.)


Joey: Mao lagi. (Yup.)


Mark: Naa nakay asawa, Joey? (Are you married, Joey?)


Joey: O. Tulo na gani ako anak. Isa ka four-year old, isa ka two ug isa ka one-year old. (Yes. I have three children. A four-year old, a two-year old and a one-year old).


Mark: Wala ka gimingaw? (Do you miss them?)


Joey: Mingaw lagi. Sa buntag ok lang kay daghan man tao. Bibo pa. Pero sa gabii, mingawon gyud ta. (Yup. During the day, it's alright because we're surrounded with so many people and we have a nice time. But in the evening's, I really miss my family.)


Mark: First time ba ninyo sa Manila? (Is it your first time in Manila?)


Joey: Kami kadalasan, first time pa. (For most of us, it is.)


Mark: Kuyaw sad mo no? First time ninyo, daghan na kaayo mog nakit-an? (Wow. It's your first time and you've already visited all these places.)


Joey: Mao lagi. Pag agi nako sa EDSA mura gyud ko'g ga-damgo. Kining mga lugara, gaka-kit-an ra gyud ni namo sa TV. Pero karun, naa na mi diri. Kuyaw gihapon na experience. (Yup. As I was walking along EDSA, I felt like I was dreaming. These are places that we only see on television. But now, here we are. This is an amazing experience.)


Mark: Padayun lang gyud, bai. Bisang lisud na kaayo, siguro nakit-an man ninyo na bisan asa mo mu-adto, daghan gyud ga suporta sa inyo. Gikan sa Surigao abot sa Manila, naa man gyuy ning dawat sa inyo diba? (Just hold on, friend. It's been hard, I'm sure you've noticed that no matter where you go, you will always find many people who support you. From Surigao to Manila, there have always been people who have lent you aid, right?)


Joey: Mao lagi. Naa gyud mi pirmi matulugan. Wala gyud mi nagutom. (Right. We always had a place to sleep. We were never left hungry.)


Mark: Daghan pa gihapon buotan na Pilipino, diba? Mahuman nalang lagi unta ni para mu-uli na mo. Pasko na raba hapit. (There are still many good Filipinos, right? I just hope that all this will be over soon so you guys can go home. Christmas is coming very soon.)


Joey: Mao lagi. Sa kaluoy sa Dyos. Mahuman na unta. (Right. By God's grace, I hope it will be.)




We shared a few jokes just to lighten the mood and Joey excused himself. After listening to one of Marlon's enlightening lectures, Det and I had to leave because she had a 6am call time at work. And so we took a cab and I dropped Det off at her place... and then... for no clear reason... I walked... I walked from the San Carlos Seminary to my home. 


It took me forty minutes this time because of my unusually heavy backpack.


When I got home, I could not feel more grateful.


How petty our problems seem after talking to a tired landless farmer.


We continue to fight. Tomorrow's another day.