Gifts Already Mine

Published in Cebu Gold Star Daily




New Year for me has always been my birthday. This year, I took my usual cup of early morning coffee and ended up half praying and half talking to myself. It was a long week and work was beginning to become that burden, which makes me doubt my capacity as a doer. When you work for more than ten hours each day, things begin to spin beyond your control and from this vertigo, sleep becomes your only reprieve. 


For the last few days, I have been complaining to myself during my 45-minute bus ride home, “There has to be a better way”. I know I share this sentiment with most of the working class out there, but it personally bore upon me, the same. Then, during one of these trips, I went into observer mode and discovered how truly fortunate I am to be where I am and to be doing what I do. I see the tired old lady collecting bus stubs, wondering how little pay she gets, how many children she has to provide for, how many hours she has to work each day and how utterly dehumanizing her job is. I see the street sweepers, the traffic police, the peanut vendor, the newspaper boys, the postman – all these people work day and night with little thanks and without even being greeted by a smile and a “good morning”. 


I may not be earning much this day, but I’m doing fine when set against my daily background and the populace through which I navigate. I get to be creative in my work although it might wear me down at times. I get to talk to my co-workers, laugh about hard times and talk about my dreams. I get to sit in a comfortable chair, a full desk and work in a room with air-conditioning and good lighting. I dare not take these things for granted and run the risk of thinking that I’m so much more entitled than everyone else. I may be so much more fortunate… but that is all there is to it.


This year, I ask for a humility that never runs dry. I pray for the ability to always acknowledge that there is something far greater than myself and there are people relying on me to do my job. That although the hard work that I pump into my creations is my own, the very capacity and opportunity to do such work are gifts designed and handed to me by my Creator. So I claim these gifts completely and along with them, the responsibility of making them grow and of aiming them at the very best goals within my sights. 


This is going to take a little getting used to. But I am grateful to have work at a time of scarcity. I am grateful for the chance to meet new people everyday when I have already been generously blessed with friends and family of true measure and substance. I am grateful for everything good that has happened to me, and everyone who has taken me to this point. It is this gratitude that keeps my demons in their cages.


Last night, my boss called me up, greeted me a happy birthday and thanked me for a job well done. 


As I took the bus to work this morning, I thought, “It was a good first week”.

Nothing Follows

NOTHING FOLLOWS

These are the last words you will ever see as a bar examinee... and though you don't think much of it then, you do now... and you can only pray that this is a statement of no consequence -- a non-prophetic lexical blunder that was never intended to articulate your fate.


How do you reconcile a duty with a dream? I'm just figuring this out right now... and it's no fun at all. As much as I hated the academic part of being in law school, sudden post-bar freedom [abandonment] is no fun. Is this life? Pay the bills, then die? Maybe. For some of us, maybe. But I'm still figuring this out. 


No vacation for this one. There's just too much to do. 


Thank you to everyone who gave their time, mind and muscle to support us during one of our darkest times. The bar exam is no joke. No freakin' way. But we were standing on the top of a giant's head... and this was probably enough to pass those eight tests.


Thank you to the Ateneo Law School BarOps. To my dearest friends in the AHRC, to my fellow bar examinees who served as my primary mutual support group, to my AHRC Batchmates who made their appearances and gestures of support. To my immediate family who was there throughout the whole ordeal, and my extended family who believed in what fortitude I had left to spare. To my bandmates and friends in the music business who gave me their own brand of sick but vital support. For all your prayers, financial and moral support, smiles, text messages, emails, hugs, kisses, taps on the shoulder, jokes, insights, wake-up calls, sleepless nights and all your generous sacrifices, thank you, everybody. 


The bar exam is a spiritual and humbling experience. I thank God for it and for everyone who was part of my experience. 


I love you all. Forget the damn lawyer's oath... I personally swear to every one of you that I will never abuse this power should I be deemed worthy of it.


See you all in the real world soon.